news: we have accessed the little big planet beta

| tim

Hello, internet. We (by which I mean “I”) have obtained access to the Little Big Planet beta.

First impressions: it’s kind of fun! You can run, jump, and grab!

Though it’s the Japanese beta, all the in-game text is in English! Wacky! (Might be the PS3 system settings.)

The tutorial voiceover is a slightly gay Japanese man — “slightly” as in you’d not only let him watch your children, you would beg him to. He’d probably teach them something valuable about shoes!

The level tutorials are exhaustive and exhausting!

The final word: we used to think that beta tests were mythological things, because we applied for literally dozens of them during our serious careers as gamers, and never got in. Now, we got in on the Little Big Planet beta. On the one hand, this kind of sucks, because it’s basically been spelled out for us that we were wrong all this time: beta tests are real, and we just never got into one before because everyone hated us. With Little Big Planet, it’s quite possible that someone somewhere has started to either stop disliking us or (possibly even better) start actually liking us. Either way: hey! We get to play a videogame before some (most?) other people!

We made a YouTube video to commemorate this.

We were too tired and perhaps disinterested to make any rocket penises or penis-shaped moving platforms or grabbable penises made out of burlap or swinging penises made out of dark matter or stalactite penises made out of rock — or even flaming stalagmite penises made out of pink bubble bath foam. So, instead, we just used the penis in our imagination. We hope you forgive our unwillingness to do work with our videogame. :'(

This post was brought to you by Sony and dry-roasted almonds!

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