news: print media confirmed dead

| tim

welcome to the next levelThe corpse of print media was found on a wooden folding table in the offices of small Japanese corporate office this afternoon.

The body has been identified as the April 2008 issue of Future Publishing’s Official Xbox Magazine, which might have actually been published as early as five weeks ago, according to coroner’s reports.

Detectives identified the murder weapon as an advertisement for Ubisoft’s upcoming surefire smash hit first person shooter Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Vegas 2. The advertisement is fashioned to be a doppelganger of an Official Xbox Magazine cover, complete with the magazine’s logo in the upper-left-hand corner.

At the top and bottom of the magazine cover, the words “ADVERTISEMENT” are visible in bold, capital-lettered text.

Running along the left edge of the advertisement were “strong perforation marks”, “intended for purchasers of the magazine to remove the double-sided ad in order to see the real cover”, according to coroner’s reports.

The real cover is an image of Bethesda Softworks’ upcoming surefire smash hit role-playing game Fallout 3. oxmrealcovers.JPG

Police investigations have confirmed that Ubisoft’s upcoming surefire smash hit first person shooter Rainbow Six Vegas 2 and Future Publishing’s Official Xbox Magazine have been involved in a relationship for some time, and that relationship had been ongoing even at the time of the murder.

“There’s a two-page spread for Rainbow Six Vegas 2 not even twenty pages into the magazine,” one undercover detective anonymously told insert credit.

“Magazines have been figuratively selling their covers to the highest bidder for years now,” Tim Rogers, expert on videogames and marketing in general as terrorism, told us. “This is the first time, to my knowledge, that a magazine did so literally.”

The back cover of the magazine features an advertisement for another Ubisoft game, Tom Clancy’s FutureWar, not to be released until Fall 2008.

Ubisoft’s Rainbow Six Vegas is a game about what would happen if terrorists took over Las Vegas.

Ubisoft’s Rainbow Six Vegas 2 is a game about what would happen if terrorists took over Las Vegas again.

Asked to speculate on the killer’s motive or whereabouts, Rogers cited that the first Rainbow Six Vegas game’s difficulty selection screen allowed players to choose between difficulty levels entitled “normal” and “realistic”.

“This is [Ubisoft’s] way of telling people that ‘Reality is not Normal’,” Rogers said.

Print media is survived by literature and the internet.

<Brandon’s note: Tim has been living in Japan for a few years, and thus is perhaps not aware that this has been going on over here for quite a while. I stand by the humor of the rest of this piece.>

[tim’s clarification: i had a basic idea that it was going on for a while; just after i “discovered” this “huge scoop” yesterday, i told some chat-friends about it and they shrugged it off, which made me wonder, why the hell didn’t anyone tell me about this sooner? it’s hilarious! at any rate, this is one of the things that you readers the world over have a right, as americans, to complain about! so get on it!]


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